


this is how it happens

by Quillium



Series: May and Peter's Ice Cream Parlour [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Gen, POV Second Person, Post-Endgame, aka Peter and the path to his temporary retirement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-28 00:03:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20957147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quillium/pseuds/Quillium
Summary: You’re Spider-man. You’re losing your grip on reality, but you know this for a fact, that you are Spider-man, you know because you died in this suit, you came back to life in this suit, you know because this suit is the last thing Tony Stark built for you and how he’s dead because you’re alive.You should be focusing on Peter Parker, and you want to, you do, really, but being Peter Parker hurts, Peter Parker is panic attacks and nightmares and you don’t want those things. You want to be stronger than that. You want to be Spider-man.





	this is how it happens

**Author's Note:**

> Am supposed to be studying. You should go do your thing. Don't procrastinate. This can wait. That cannot.

This is how it happens.

You’re Spider-man. You’re losing your grip on reality, but you know this for a fact, that you are Spider-man, you know because you died in this suit, you came back to life in this suit, you know because this suit is the last thing Tony Stark built for you and how he’s dead because you’re alive.

This is how it happens.

You should be focusing on Peter Parker, and you want to, you do, really, but being Peter Parker _hurts_, Peter Parker is panic attacks and nightmares and you don’t want those things. You want to be stronger than that. You want to be Spider-man.

This is how it happens.

You, shaken, in the bathtub.

May, beside you, warm, comforting, her hand on your shoulder as you cry into something solid.

As you remember that _you’re_ solid.

Small comfort, but it’s enough. It’s more than enough. You’re alive, and selfishly, selfishly, even though it means Tony is dead—you’re happy for that. You like living, for all that it hurts.

She whispers _it’s okay_ and you don’t say anything, because you’re coming off the end of a panic attack and you’re scared that if you open your mouth you’ll start hyperventilating again.

It’s probably for the better, because you don’t know what you’ll say.

It isn’t okay.

This isn’t okay.

But you can’t do anything. This isn’t the kind of battle you can punch away.

This is how it happens.

Ned, his head on your shoulder, as you watch _Moana_ together.

You, struggling to breathe when her parents fade to ash.

Ned swearing, _shitshitshit_ so fast that you can barely make out the word repeated over and over and over, him, kneeling in front of you, whispering apologies that you can barely hear.

_It’s okay_, you want to say, but the words stick in your throat because it’s a lie.

It’s a lie. You aren’t okay. You aren’t—you aren’t anywhere _close_ to okay.

So you can’t say it.

You just curl forward, press your forehead against his shoulder, and sob.

This is how it happens.

A little girl gives Spider-man her ice cream, because he’s her hero.

“It always makes me happier,” she says, beaming, and you say, voice cracking, _thank you_.

The ice cream—Superkid, your favourite flavour—tastes like ash on your tongue.

You can’t do this anymore.

This is how it happens.

You, in front of May, asking if this is okay.

May, sobbing, holding you close, saying _yes, of course. It’s more than okay_ because she has watched you slowly drive yourself into the ground, self-destructing, because she loves you more than anything in the world and she loves Peter Parker, not Spider-man.

This is how it happens.

You were Spider-man. And most likely, you will be again.

But right now, you can’t be. Because Spider-man is pain and panic attacks and you can’t. You can’t, right now.

This is how it happens.

You are, above all else, Peter Parker.


End file.
